I heard someone say the other day that most people find it preferable to spend Sunday morning with Starbucks and the New York Times than to go to church. When I heard this, my heart jumped. Of course! That's what I am missing. The Times and a Venti Americano.
I grew up going to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and sometimes Wednesday evening as well. I loved it. It was an hour and a half away from the stress and fear of life, and I liked hearing that God loves me and everyone else. Then I became a teenager, and church lost much of its appeal. After some years away, I started to venture back, and recently I have been going to a church that meets on Sunday night.
So now, I could go to Starbucks on Sunday morning and read the paper if I decided to do that. And go to church on Sunday night as well! But the real thing I wondered when hearing the speaker was, what would I enjoy more?
I think it depends on my frame of mind. If I am feeling connected, whole, and healthy, I think either would be fine. But if I am feeling discouraged, ashamed, or disconnected, there is no way I could survive Starbucks. I would start feeling paranoid, and that I was wasting my life (rather than practicing self care.) That is the situation where going to church really calls to me.
I need to feel that I am part of something bigger than myself. Worshiping with other believers, hearing a solid message about God, and taking communion really helps me to stop thinking so much about me and lifts my head up to where I can see other people and think about them. It makes me want to be healthy and whole, makes me want to help others. It's really hard to get that from coffee and the newspaper. Which is not to say I will quit going to Starbucks any time soon.
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Time Management
Wrote this in 2009. Posted it in 2014. By the Grace of God, and after losing my job in 2009, I have been granted willingness to not only show up for work a few minutes early, but to give up snacks, flour and sugar, and since December 2012, poyrn and maxtrubation. (Still struggling with wanting to make money, and wanting to play games.) Anyway, here is the 2009 me:
Tardiness is my lifelong companion. I am often late for work, late for appointments, and late for commitments to my family and friends. I hope this public confession will reach the attention of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know he is the only one who can relieve me of this problem. I am in therapy for a variety of issues with a Christian counselor who has a broad theology of personal fulfillment with which he is looking to reform my thinking. He has suggested that I show up at work at 7:15 a.m. from now on because I "owe them that much" after years of tardiness. I resent the idea that I owe anyone anything, and this is part of the reason I am up to my ears in debt and have a nagging feeling that I am entitled to rewards (food, games, stock watching sites, and until recently, internet p0rney0griafey) every few minutes, days, or weeks.
I am beginning to understand that this persistent personal problem of tardiness is related to low self worth, or to an inaccurate concept of the self as worthy of the positive experience associated with punctuality. A predictable pattern of behavior precedes and accompanies the tardiness; mainly inability to prioritize tasks and set limits on time. For example, I will chase a technical issue down a rabbit hole for an hour while the time passes which I had allotted for project planning or for leaving the office to travel to a local meeting off-site.
I heard a great quote many years ago, which said "I'm not much, but I'm all I think about." That's how I feel a lot. I think I am a mentally ill person who is so self-obsessed he can't make any sort of progress; the type of circular, autistic thinker Dustin Hoffman portrayed in "Rain Man" (although I have more compassion for that character than for myself, as someone who "should know better." )
My Christian faith has been a blessing to me; when I am able to separate from my selfish obsessions, faith opens my eyes to the world around me with a grand perspective. I can see God at work in the wind in the trees, in the rain and snow, in the eyes of my wife and children. This is where I often choose to live, in God's world, away from the darkness of my inner thoughts.
The therapy I am undergoing seems to be pointing me toward an integrated mind; one that allows the fresh reality of faith to override the default settings of insanity and self-destruction that are present in the rest of life. Paul called this the struggle between the Spirit and the flesh. The Spirit desires all that is right and true, gentle and pure, and the flesh, of course, is the sinful nature that develops as we grow up in a f*cked-up world. This struggle is so exhausting and time consuming to the individual that many opt out of it, and simply turn to the worship of things and money for the short-term pleasure they provide. That pleasure is called "happiness."
The Kingdom of God allows for a deeper pleasure, known in the Bible as "joy." This one comes when we submit to the will of God (often, to the benefit of our own emotional maturity or sanctification) and make choices that go against the flesh, against the sinful nature. Examples of this in my life include giving up alcohol and drugs in 1990, cigarettes in 1995, moving my family to Portland to join a church plant in a rough neighborhood but with a vibrant internal community in June of 2006, and in July 2006, confessing to my wife 13 years of unfaithfulness and lying about the images I was looking at online. The strength to make that confession came through the Spirit of Christ that I received when I gave my life to him, and the direction came through confidence I had by being involved in a weekly men's Bible study through that church.
I am in 12-step programs around drug and alcohol addiction, debt, and sexual impurity. These programs all seek to relieve the individual of emotional and mental unrest (insanity) around the particular behavior, and to provide relief through a shared group experience of abstinence and recovery from compulsive thinking and decisions. They further allow for emotional development to overcome the compulsions long-term by providing specific steps to take, usually called a "program." In many cases this means working these steps with a "sponsor," someone who takes the newcomer through the program and shows them the ropes. But this approach is often very specific to the particular type of addiction the program addresses. In fairness, many benefits arise from intensive practice of these programs. They often lead people with no previous faith or (as in my case) misdirected faith back into a conscious relationship with God. But it is in the church setting that I have found the true purpose and direction for my life and my faith; that is, the worship and service of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Tardiness is my lifelong companion. I am often late for work, late for appointments, and late for commitments to my family and friends. I hope this public confession will reach the attention of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know he is the only one who can relieve me of this problem. I am in therapy for a variety of issues with a Christian counselor who has a broad theology of personal fulfillment with which he is looking to reform my thinking. He has suggested that I show up at work at 7:15 a.m. from now on because I "owe them that much" after years of tardiness. I resent the idea that I owe anyone anything, and this is part of the reason I am up to my ears in debt and have a nagging feeling that I am entitled to rewards (food, games, stock watching sites, and until recently, internet p0rney0griafey) every few minutes, days, or weeks.
I am beginning to understand that this persistent personal problem of tardiness is related to low self worth, or to an inaccurate concept of the self as worthy of the positive experience associated with punctuality. A predictable pattern of behavior precedes and accompanies the tardiness; mainly inability to prioritize tasks and set limits on time. For example, I will chase a technical issue down a rabbit hole for an hour while the time passes which I had allotted for project planning or for leaving the office to travel to a local meeting off-site.
I heard a great quote many years ago, which said "I'm not much, but I'm all I think about." That's how I feel a lot. I think I am a mentally ill person who is so self-obsessed he can't make any sort of progress; the type of circular, autistic thinker Dustin Hoffman portrayed in "Rain Man" (although I have more compassion for that character than for myself, as someone who "should know better." )
My Christian faith has been a blessing to me; when I am able to separate from my selfish obsessions, faith opens my eyes to the world around me with a grand perspective. I can see God at work in the wind in the trees, in the rain and snow, in the eyes of my wife and children. This is where I often choose to live, in God's world, away from the darkness of my inner thoughts.
The therapy I am undergoing seems to be pointing me toward an integrated mind; one that allows the fresh reality of faith to override the default settings of insanity and self-destruction that are present in the rest of life. Paul called this the struggle between the Spirit and the flesh. The Spirit desires all that is right and true, gentle and pure, and the flesh, of course, is the sinful nature that develops as we grow up in a f*cked-up world. This struggle is so exhausting and time consuming to the individual that many opt out of it, and simply turn to the worship of things and money for the short-term pleasure they provide. That pleasure is called "happiness."
The Kingdom of God allows for a deeper pleasure, known in the Bible as "joy." This one comes when we submit to the will of God (often, to the benefit of our own emotional maturity or sanctification) and make choices that go against the flesh, against the sinful nature. Examples of this in my life include giving up alcohol and drugs in 1990, cigarettes in 1995, moving my family to Portland to join a church plant in a rough neighborhood but with a vibrant internal community in June of 2006, and in July 2006, confessing to my wife 13 years of unfaithfulness and lying about the images I was looking at online. The strength to make that confession came through the Spirit of Christ that I received when I gave my life to him, and the direction came through confidence I had by being involved in a weekly men's Bible study through that church.
I am in 12-step programs around drug and alcohol addiction, debt, and sexual impurity. These programs all seek to relieve the individual of emotional and mental unrest (insanity) around the particular behavior, and to provide relief through a shared group experience of abstinence and recovery from compulsive thinking and decisions. They further allow for emotional development to overcome the compulsions long-term by providing specific steps to take, usually called a "program." In many cases this means working these steps with a "sponsor," someone who takes the newcomer through the program and shows them the ropes. But this approach is often very specific to the particular type of addiction the program addresses. In fairness, many benefits arise from intensive practice of these programs. They often lead people with no previous faith or (as in my case) misdirected faith back into a conscious relationship with God. But it is in the church setting that I have found the true purpose and direction for my life and my faith; that is, the worship and service of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Cinco de Mayo 2014
Hi.
I am getting ready to shut down the PC and go home to barbecue steak and salmon (possibly in the rain.) Since I checked in, I have seen some wholesale miracles in the life of my family, and some heartbreaking trials.
Good news first. Lisa and I are going to church together every week. This is what I always wanted, and the answer to my prayers. We have joined a small group and we're getting along well with the brothers and sisters there. One hiccup so far in the small group: At our family Communion meeting, there was some postulating about how we are all sinners. With her awareness of the kids in the room, my wife had a strong reaction to the talk track.
I am working on having empathy for my wife's feelings, since by nature I am selfish, sarcastic, insensitive, and a boundary-buster. In Christ, I have the power to be gentle, loving, sensitive, caring, and respectful. Help me Jesus.
My son's grandma (former girlfriend's mother) passed away last week. I got the call from the mother, who told me my son is feeling like I put too much pressure on him to become a Christian, and now is practicing as an atheist. This is too much for me, Jesus. I need you to take over.
Time to go.
What do you call a sober member of AA, who hasn't had a drink in 24 years, is growing emotionally, and is staying employed and married one day at a time? Alcoholic.
I am getting ready to shut down the PC and go home to barbecue steak and salmon (possibly in the rain.) Since I checked in, I have seen some wholesale miracles in the life of my family, and some heartbreaking trials.
Good news first. Lisa and I are going to church together every week. This is what I always wanted, and the answer to my prayers. We have joined a small group and we're getting along well with the brothers and sisters there. One hiccup so far in the small group: At our family Communion meeting, there was some postulating about how we are all sinners. With her awareness of the kids in the room, my wife had a strong reaction to the talk track.
I am working on having empathy for my wife's feelings, since by nature I am selfish, sarcastic, insensitive, and a boundary-buster. In Christ, I have the power to be gentle, loving, sensitive, caring, and respectful. Help me Jesus.
My son's grandma (former girlfriend's mother) passed away last week. I got the call from the mother, who told me my son is feeling like I put too much pressure on him to become a Christian, and now is practicing as an atheist. This is too much for me, Jesus. I need you to take over.
Time to go.
What do you call a sober member of AA, who hasn't had a drink in 24 years, is growing emotionally, and is staying employed and married one day at a time? Alcoholic.
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