I found out on Monday, January 15 that I had won the President's Club award at my company for selling over $500,000 in software. Thank you God, for helping me stay focused and work both hard and smart.
Went the next day to apply for my passport. I haven't had a passport since 2001 when my previous one expired. Now suddenly, I have two trips scheduled outside the USA. I am so excited!
My wife Lisa Kimball is also experiencing success in her job as a kindergarten teacher.
We are very blessed this year, and I want to give all the glory to God through his son, Jesus Christ.
Here is a video that describes my personal vision of the kingdom of Heaven:
From Every Tribe and Language and People and Nation
Tuesday, January 23, 2018
Wednesday, October 29, 2014
Church vs Starbucks
I heard someone say the other day that most people find it preferable to spend Sunday morning with Starbucks and the New York Times than to go to church. When I heard this, my heart jumped. Of course! That's what I am missing. The Times and a Venti Americano.
I grew up going to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and sometimes Wednesday evening as well. I loved it. It was an hour and a half away from the stress and fear of life, and I liked hearing that God loves me and everyone else. Then I became a teenager, and church lost much of its appeal. After some years away, I started to venture back, and recently I have been going to a church that meets on Sunday night.
So now, I could go to Starbucks on Sunday morning and read the paper if I decided to do that. And go to church on Sunday night as well! But the real thing I wondered when hearing the speaker was, what would I enjoy more?
I think it depends on my frame of mind. If I am feeling connected, whole, and healthy, I think either would be fine. But if I am feeling discouraged, ashamed, or disconnected, there is no way I could survive Starbucks. I would start feeling paranoid, and that I was wasting my life (rather than practicing self care.) That is the situation where going to church really calls to me.
I need to feel that I am part of something bigger than myself. Worshiping with other believers, hearing a solid message about God, and taking communion really helps me to stop thinking so much about me and lifts my head up to where I can see other people and think about them. It makes me want to be healthy and whole, makes me want to help others. It's really hard to get that from coffee and the newspaper. Which is not to say I will quit going to Starbucks any time soon.
I grew up going to church on Sunday morning, Sunday night, and sometimes Wednesday evening as well. I loved it. It was an hour and a half away from the stress and fear of life, and I liked hearing that God loves me and everyone else. Then I became a teenager, and church lost much of its appeal. After some years away, I started to venture back, and recently I have been going to a church that meets on Sunday night.
So now, I could go to Starbucks on Sunday morning and read the paper if I decided to do that. And go to church on Sunday night as well! But the real thing I wondered when hearing the speaker was, what would I enjoy more?
I think it depends on my frame of mind. If I am feeling connected, whole, and healthy, I think either would be fine. But if I am feeling discouraged, ashamed, or disconnected, there is no way I could survive Starbucks. I would start feeling paranoid, and that I was wasting my life (rather than practicing self care.) That is the situation where going to church really calls to me.
I need to feel that I am part of something bigger than myself. Worshiping with other believers, hearing a solid message about God, and taking communion really helps me to stop thinking so much about me and lifts my head up to where I can see other people and think about them. It makes me want to be healthy and whole, makes me want to help others. It's really hard to get that from coffee and the newspaper. Which is not to say I will quit going to Starbucks any time soon.
Tuesday, May 6, 2014
Time Management
Wrote this in 2009. Posted it in 2014. By the Grace of God, and after losing my job in 2009, I have been granted willingness to not only show up for work a few minutes early, but to give up snacks, flour and sugar, and since December 2012, poyrn and maxtrubation. (Still struggling with wanting to make money, and wanting to play games.) Anyway, here is the 2009 me:
Tardiness is my lifelong companion. I am often late for work, late for appointments, and late for commitments to my family and friends. I hope this public confession will reach the attention of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know he is the only one who can relieve me of this problem. I am in therapy for a variety of issues with a Christian counselor who has a broad theology of personal fulfillment with which he is looking to reform my thinking. He has suggested that I show up at work at 7:15 a.m. from now on because I "owe them that much" after years of tardiness. I resent the idea that I owe anyone anything, and this is part of the reason I am up to my ears in debt and have a nagging feeling that I am entitled to rewards (food, games, stock watching sites, and until recently, internet p0rney0griafey) every few minutes, days, or weeks.
I am beginning to understand that this persistent personal problem of tardiness is related to low self worth, or to an inaccurate concept of the self as worthy of the positive experience associated with punctuality. A predictable pattern of behavior precedes and accompanies the tardiness; mainly inability to prioritize tasks and set limits on time. For example, I will chase a technical issue down a rabbit hole for an hour while the time passes which I had allotted for project planning or for leaving the office to travel to a local meeting off-site.
I heard a great quote many years ago, which said "I'm not much, but I'm all I think about." That's how I feel a lot. I think I am a mentally ill person who is so self-obsessed he can't make any sort of progress; the type of circular, autistic thinker Dustin Hoffman portrayed in "Rain Man" (although I have more compassion for that character than for myself, as someone who "should know better." )
My Christian faith has been a blessing to me; when I am able to separate from my selfish obsessions, faith opens my eyes to the world around me with a grand perspective. I can see God at work in the wind in the trees, in the rain and snow, in the eyes of my wife and children. This is where I often choose to live, in God's world, away from the darkness of my inner thoughts.
The therapy I am undergoing seems to be pointing me toward an integrated mind; one that allows the fresh reality of faith to override the default settings of insanity and self-destruction that are present in the rest of life. Paul called this the struggle between the Spirit and the flesh. The Spirit desires all that is right and true, gentle and pure, and the flesh, of course, is the sinful nature that develops as we grow up in a f*cked-up world. This struggle is so exhausting and time consuming to the individual that many opt out of it, and simply turn to the worship of things and money for the short-term pleasure they provide. That pleasure is called "happiness."
The Kingdom of God allows for a deeper pleasure, known in the Bible as "joy." This one comes when we submit to the will of God (often, to the benefit of our own emotional maturity or sanctification) and make choices that go against the flesh, against the sinful nature. Examples of this in my life include giving up alcohol and drugs in 1990, cigarettes in 1995, moving my family to Portland to join a church plant in a rough neighborhood but with a vibrant internal community in June of 2006, and in July 2006, confessing to my wife 13 years of unfaithfulness and lying about the images I was looking at online. The strength to make that confession came through the Spirit of Christ that I received when I gave my life to him, and the direction came through confidence I had by being involved in a weekly men's Bible study through that church.
I am in 12-step programs around drug and alcohol addiction, debt, and sexual impurity. These programs all seek to relieve the individual of emotional and mental unrest (insanity) around the particular behavior, and to provide relief through a shared group experience of abstinence and recovery from compulsive thinking and decisions. They further allow for emotional development to overcome the compulsions long-term by providing specific steps to take, usually called a "program." In many cases this means working these steps with a "sponsor," someone who takes the newcomer through the program and shows them the ropes. But this approach is often very specific to the particular type of addiction the program addresses. In fairness, many benefits arise from intensive practice of these programs. They often lead people with no previous faith or (as in my case) misdirected faith back into a conscious relationship with God. But it is in the church setting that I have found the true purpose and direction for my life and my faith; that is, the worship and service of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Tardiness is my lifelong companion. I am often late for work, late for appointments, and late for commitments to my family and friends. I hope this public confession will reach the attention of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know he is the only one who can relieve me of this problem. I am in therapy for a variety of issues with a Christian counselor who has a broad theology of personal fulfillment with which he is looking to reform my thinking. He has suggested that I show up at work at 7:15 a.m. from now on because I "owe them that much" after years of tardiness. I resent the idea that I owe anyone anything, and this is part of the reason I am up to my ears in debt and have a nagging feeling that I am entitled to rewards (food, games, stock watching sites, and until recently, internet p0rney0griafey) every few minutes, days, or weeks.
I am beginning to understand that this persistent personal problem of tardiness is related to low self worth, or to an inaccurate concept of the self as worthy of the positive experience associated with punctuality. A predictable pattern of behavior precedes and accompanies the tardiness; mainly inability to prioritize tasks and set limits on time. For example, I will chase a technical issue down a rabbit hole for an hour while the time passes which I had allotted for project planning or for leaving the office to travel to a local meeting off-site.
I heard a great quote many years ago, which said "I'm not much, but I'm all I think about." That's how I feel a lot. I think I am a mentally ill person who is so self-obsessed he can't make any sort of progress; the type of circular, autistic thinker Dustin Hoffman portrayed in "Rain Man" (although I have more compassion for that character than for myself, as someone who "should know better." )
My Christian faith has been a blessing to me; when I am able to separate from my selfish obsessions, faith opens my eyes to the world around me with a grand perspective. I can see God at work in the wind in the trees, in the rain and snow, in the eyes of my wife and children. This is where I often choose to live, in God's world, away from the darkness of my inner thoughts.
The therapy I am undergoing seems to be pointing me toward an integrated mind; one that allows the fresh reality of faith to override the default settings of insanity and self-destruction that are present in the rest of life. Paul called this the struggle between the Spirit and the flesh. The Spirit desires all that is right and true, gentle and pure, and the flesh, of course, is the sinful nature that develops as we grow up in a f*cked-up world. This struggle is so exhausting and time consuming to the individual that many opt out of it, and simply turn to the worship of things and money for the short-term pleasure they provide. That pleasure is called "happiness."
The Kingdom of God allows for a deeper pleasure, known in the Bible as "joy." This one comes when we submit to the will of God (often, to the benefit of our own emotional maturity or sanctification) and make choices that go against the flesh, against the sinful nature. Examples of this in my life include giving up alcohol and drugs in 1990, cigarettes in 1995, moving my family to Portland to join a church plant in a rough neighborhood but with a vibrant internal community in June of 2006, and in July 2006, confessing to my wife 13 years of unfaithfulness and lying about the images I was looking at online. The strength to make that confession came through the Spirit of Christ that I received when I gave my life to him, and the direction came through confidence I had by being involved in a weekly men's Bible study through that church.
I am in 12-step programs around drug and alcohol addiction, debt, and sexual impurity. These programs all seek to relieve the individual of emotional and mental unrest (insanity) around the particular behavior, and to provide relief through a shared group experience of abstinence and recovery from compulsive thinking and decisions. They further allow for emotional development to overcome the compulsions long-term by providing specific steps to take, usually called a "program." In many cases this means working these steps with a "sponsor," someone who takes the newcomer through the program and shows them the ropes. But this approach is often very specific to the particular type of addiction the program addresses. In fairness, many benefits arise from intensive practice of these programs. They often lead people with no previous faith or (as in my case) misdirected faith back into a conscious relationship with God. But it is in the church setting that I have found the true purpose and direction for my life and my faith; that is, the worship and service of the Lord Jesus Christ.
Monday, May 5, 2014
Cinco de Mayo 2014
Hi.
I am getting ready to shut down the PC and go home to barbecue steak and salmon (possibly in the rain.) Since I checked in, I have seen some wholesale miracles in the life of my family, and some heartbreaking trials.
Good news first. Lisa and I are going to church together every week. This is what I always wanted, and the answer to my prayers. We have joined a small group and we're getting along well with the brothers and sisters there. One hiccup so far in the small group: At our family Communion meeting, there was some postulating about how we are all sinners. With her awareness of the kids in the room, my wife had a strong reaction to the talk track.
I am working on having empathy for my wife's feelings, since by nature I am selfish, sarcastic, insensitive, and a boundary-buster. In Christ, I have the power to be gentle, loving, sensitive, caring, and respectful. Help me Jesus.
My son's grandma (former girlfriend's mother) passed away last week. I got the call from the mother, who told me my son is feeling like I put too much pressure on him to become a Christian, and now is practicing as an atheist. This is too much for me, Jesus. I need you to take over.
Time to go.
What do you call a sober member of AA, who hasn't had a drink in 24 years, is growing emotionally, and is staying employed and married one day at a time? Alcoholic.
I am getting ready to shut down the PC and go home to barbecue steak and salmon (possibly in the rain.) Since I checked in, I have seen some wholesale miracles in the life of my family, and some heartbreaking trials.
Good news first. Lisa and I are going to church together every week. This is what I always wanted, and the answer to my prayers. We have joined a small group and we're getting along well with the brothers and sisters there. One hiccup so far in the small group: At our family Communion meeting, there was some postulating about how we are all sinners. With her awareness of the kids in the room, my wife had a strong reaction to the talk track.
I am working on having empathy for my wife's feelings, since by nature I am selfish, sarcastic, insensitive, and a boundary-buster. In Christ, I have the power to be gentle, loving, sensitive, caring, and respectful. Help me Jesus.
My son's grandma (former girlfriend's mother) passed away last week. I got the call from the mother, who told me my son is feeling like I put too much pressure on him to become a Christian, and now is practicing as an atheist. This is too much for me, Jesus. I need you to take over.
Time to go.
What do you call a sober member of AA, who hasn't had a drink in 24 years, is growing emotionally, and is staying employed and married one day at a time? Alcoholic.
Thursday, December 5, 2013
If -- By Rudyard Kipling
If—
By Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about; don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim:
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can trust your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
By Rudyard Kipling
If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about; don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:
If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim:
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:
If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can trust your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’
If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!
Life as a Husband, Dad, Systems Analyst, and Responsible Adult.
It's December of 2013, and I feel content. Our company is selling software, and that means we are doing something right. I will have a busy couple of months coming up, traveling and implementing large-scale software projects.
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| my window on the world for 9 hours a day |
I am getting along well with my wife and daughters. I feel a little distant from my son, but he knows I love him and am proud of him.
Finances are tight right now. We bought a house in the summer and our expenses rose by about $600 per month. We have a little yard for the dog, and Christmas lights around the front porch. My wife has started going back to church, and I go with her sometimes. God has really blessed our family, mostly with spiritual blessings in Christ, and also with material blessings. I have a car that runs, by the grace of God, with 175,000 miles and some needed service. My wife has a good car too, and recently got the oil changed. We are truly blessed to have jobs, cars, a house, enough to eat, and clothes to wear.
A lot of my free time is spent in addiction recovery-related activities. We are doing a financial program to work toward getting out of debt and living more prosperously. By the grace of God, I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 23 years. I am free from porn and sexual acting out for 11 months. Also, maintaining a 60-lb weight loss since Halloween of 2011. This is achieved by not eating flour and sugar, weighing and measuring my meals, and meetings, Bible study, prayer, and meditation.
I have started doing an exercise plan called Power of 10. It involves any kind of resistance training, 10 seconds in and 10 seconds out. So a pushup is a full 10 seconds up, and a full 10 seconds down. I can do about 4.5 of these pushups until muscle failure. I do this about once a week, with a few other exercises. It helps me feel better about myself. I also take vitamins in the morning, and stretch to overcome stiffness from my multiple car wrecks since moving to Oregon.
I miss my friends, but I feel like we are getting ready to connect with more people, and I am excited about that.
That's all I have for now. It feels good to write, so I may be back sooner than later.
Here's one: What did the little dog say to the people walking by? Bow wow wow wow wow!
Tuesday, April 23, 2013
Why Christians are not perfect
This was deleted off of Helium.com (some Christian probably thought it was inappropriate), but I put it here so you can read it if you want to. This essay was written 9/1/2007 - John K
I am afraid of being asked to leave my church. I lie, sometimes I slander other people, and I'm selfish and fearful. All qualities that can lead to mistrust and misunderstanding in relationships. Whenever the pastor reads a scripture about the wolves among the sheep, the false prophets, or the idolaters or adulterers, I think he might be talking about me. The other day, our pastor talked to me about something I had said about him, and I admitted what I said and apologized, but I felt like that was a "strike" against me. The pastor forgave me, and I believe him, but the feeling sticks.
What Paul tells me is that (Romans 5:20) "The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, (21) so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."
So without knowledge of my sin, I'm just another ignorant sinner. But when I become conscious of my shortcomings through my own guilty conscience, I give God an opportunity to save me and make me more righteous than I could ever muster on my own. This makes me humble, and so I go and apologize to the person I lied to, the one I slandered, the one I ignored or cheated out of time or affections.
But the answer is that Christians are just like everyone else. The difference is not in us, it is in Christ. He transforms us by something special that happens, something spiritual about believing in his death and resurrection. It's the kingdom of heaven, expressed in our own bodies, our own minds, and the way we become transparent with one another as we walk together with other believers in true community.
I am not perfect, by any means, but I have been made righteous by grace. Jesus has redeemed my drug and alcohol abuse, my sexual sin, and my financial failure. He is transforming me by the renewing of my mind through therapy and Bible study. And he is using me, both in those transparent moments with other Christians, and in the workaday world where everyone (including me) is watching and waiting for me to fuck up. So they can prove that Christians are not perfect.
I'm the first to admit it.
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