John Kimball
copyright 2013
Parenting
When I became a father for the first time in 1990, my view of the world and my place in it was forever altered. I was overwhelmed by the reality of a new, living person who was dependent on me and on the development of skills I had never known I possessed. My heart and mind opened up to a world of possibilities, emotions, and responsibilities about which I had not even dreamed. Nearly twelve years later and now a father of three, I am fully engulfed in the life of the parent. The lessons learned along the way will help me and haunt me for the rest of my days. Above all, I have learned that flexibility and love are the building blocks of effective parent-child and parent-parent relationships. This essay will discuss various parenting styles, traditional and non-traditional parenting roles, changes in family dynamics brought about by children, and issues in the development of a child’s world view.
For documentation I have included some photographs of my children.
Parenting Styles
Discipline: Authoritarianism and Permissiveness
“Stand up straight!” These are the words of the authoritarian parent.
The permissive parent says: “It’s all right, whatever you kids want to do is OK.”
If a ten-point scale is drawn from absolute permissiveness on the left to structured rigidity on the right, the measure of appropriate parenting can occupy an area from approximately four to seven points. Beyond this measure to the left lies the area of neglect in varying degrees, and to the right lies the area of abuse.
Neglectful 2 3 Permissive 5 6 Authoritarian 8 9 Abusive
---------------<------ -------="" discipline="" sane="">-------------
Parents who are emotionally crippled by excessive alcohol and drugs, fear, depression, selfishness, or anger will lose themselves in the outlying regions of self-centered insanity and will cause heartache, anguish, and untold damage to their children. But effective parents will find a way to govern their own behavior and temperaments, and so avoid these extremes.
In the Kimball home, a workable mix of permissiveness and authoritarianism has emerged as the best method for managing discipline. Our children are aware of certain simple rules, the breaking of which always results in swift and appropriate disciplinary action (usually a ‘time out’ or the loss of a privilege, but willful disobedience may escalate to a lovingly administered swat). In addition, my wife and I have agreed to always discuss concerns about discipline and to be very flexible in “choosing our battles” with a toddler, a kindergartner, and a pre-teen. Small squabbles and even shouting matches between children are often tolerated, under the belief that it is good to let the children work these things out among themselves. We believe our energy is best spent in setting an example for our children of self-discipline, responsibility, and love.
A child’s ability to think through a problem or situation and understand the consequences of her actions will serve her better as an adult than a system of rewards and punishments. This concept has largely replaced shouting and frightening children as ways to control discipline in our home. Subtle differences in words and inflection can shift the situation from a punitive one to a growth opportunity. A sympathetic “It’s too bad you didn’t get your toys picked up. That means you won’t be able to play at your friend’s house” is far more effective in the long term than “Pick up your toys now!” or even, “If you don’t pick up your room, you won’t get to play at your friend’s house!” Children who learn to accept consequences for their own actions will learn to think through situations before taking action, and will be less likely to evade responsibility or blame others later on.
Attachment Parenting
My wife was raised in an extremely permissive (read: alcoholic and neglectful) home, and I was brought up in a dangerously authoritarian (read: abusive and violent) home. She came into our marriage with some old ideas about love being related to gifts and shopping, and I arrived with some significant fears and survival instincts intact. Both of us are recovered alcoholics and drug addicts. By the grace of God, we met and fell in love after each of us had achieved substantial sobriety time, and the work we have done in alcoholic recovery has made us aware of our own selfishness, self-centeredness, dishonesty, and fear. We have embraced the idea that in order to pass along ideals that we were never taught, we must make these ideals our own and act accordingly. The principles we value most are honesty, hope, faith, courage, responsibility, love, willingness, open-mindedness, integrity, and spirituality, or God-consciousness.
As we searched for a parenting philosophy that would best uphold the principles we have willfully embraced, we discovered the concept of attachment parenting. This somewhat controversial parenting philosophy supports the ideas of extended breastfeeding (up to and beyond two years of age), the stay-at-home parent, and the family bed. These concepts seemed radical when taken as a package, but they appeared to offer the ultimate in emotional support, love, and affection for children. Since my wife and I have both come to believe that these are the highest needs of babies and young children, we embraced this philosophy and applied it with the two children that are ours together.
Attachment parenting asks the husband and wife to make some real sacrifices for the sake of the children. Extended breastfeeding is hard on a woman’s body. Having one parent who stays home with the children is difficult for the family financially. And the family bed sometimes offers little more than sleepless nights, the spread of childhood illnesses, and well-placed kicks. But the bond that is established between mother and children through breastfeeding, the stability of the home with a stay-at-home parent, and the total safety and security of the family bed are parenting treasures not to be missed.
My son was born before I met my wife. He also has been raised in a loving, affectionate, and supportive environment. However, he has been raised largely without a father figure present. His social challenges are outside the reach of this essay, but his life is a testament to the power of prayer.
Another element that we have incorporated into our family life is the idea that children will benefit from seeing their parents behaving like two people in love. There have been some lapses in our commitment to this concept, but whenever my wife and I are willing and able, we embrace and show caring and love for each other in the presence of our children. Family mealtimes and family prayer reinforce the concept that there is structure and purpose to our family’s activities.
The benefits of attachment parenting have been enormous. Our children are secure in the knowledge that they are loved, and they are showing the independence, joy, and freedom of expression that arises from that security. One note: The benefits of reading to one’s children cannot be underestimated. A child’s love of reading and books will have an enormous impact on his life. It is evidence of parents’ early commitment to an active role in one very important piece of the parenting puzzle.
Parenting Roles
Traditional Family Values in United States Culture
Recent years have yielded a return to patriotism, boosted the esteem of the nuclear family in our society’s eyes, and embraced the love of family that has so long been a part of American culture. It appears that the development of the family has tracked the development of women in America. From the sexual revolution in the 1960’s to the liberation and individualism of the 1970’s to the narcissism and materialism of the 1980’s, America’s young women appear to have returned since 1990 to a more traditional role as spouses and homemakers. As evidenced by the return of big-band swing and nostalgic restaurants, America longs for the idealism of the 1940’s and 1950’s again. Likewise, the American dream appears to have swung back from the do-your-own-thing-claw-your-way-to-the-top ideal toward the mom-dad-2.3 kids-dog-white picket fence-nuclear family ideal. This is interesting because most of the women starting families today weren’t alive in the 1950’s. But their mothers were, and as the Baby Boom generation contributes more and more to popular culture, its influence on the young women of today is profound. The rise in the female membership of our churches is evidence of women willing to embrace and sacrifice for larger families with traditional love-God-your-country-and-your-neighbor ideals.
Fathers, also, are embracing the role of the provider for a bustling brood and a wife who often sacrifices time and career to stay home with the kids. The election of George W. Bush to America’s highest office speaks of a return to more conservative values in our society. It is the desire of many young men to serve their country in the ongoing fight against terrorism, and the rise in patriotism lends support to the traditional family. Popular country music also reflects a trend toward traditional family formations and values; songs such as I’m Already There by Lonestar heartily support the idea of a father who is one hundred percent devoted to his family. To be sure, myriad views are represented in contemporary entertainment. But the popularity of patriotic and family-oriented themes cannot be denied.
Divorce, Blended Families, and the Effects on Parents and Children
The separation of the two main figures in a child’s life can have a devastating and lasting effect on the child. Sometimes, parents are so affected by the breakup of a marriage that their relationship to their children disintegrates. When this happens, the children are likely to suffer intense feelings of abandonment. If the children are left with one parent, they may subconsciously expect that parent to fulfill the roles of both parents. If there is a shared custody arrangement, and both parents are amicable toward one another, the deleterious affects on the children can be lessened. Fierce resentment between the parents only serves to intensify the child’s feeling of abandonment and disorientation. The stabilizing influence of one strong parent can be a saving grace in such a situation.
When a new spouse is integrated into a hitherto single parent family, there may be a significant upset because of the change in primary relationships. Where the child may have been the primary relationship of the parent, that role begins to be played by the new spouse. The child will need special attention to feel that she is still important to the original parent.
In my family, these dynamics played out in a dramatic way. As a single father I had joint custody of my son and I enjoyed taking him and his half brother for weekends. When I began dating my wife-to-be, there was some tension between her and the older boy, and even between her and my son. Shortly thereafter, I (painfully but believing it was right) stopped taking the older boy on the weekends. My son’s mother did not appreciate that there was a new woman on the scene, since by taking both boys on the weekends I allowed her some free time. There was another, deeper dynamic in play of which I was not aware, but soon enough it raised its head.
In 1992, my new girlfriend was learning to accept that I had a young son. This was not easy for a single girl with no children, because it represented the reality of another woman and another high-impact (primary!) pre-existing relationship between my son and me. Eventually she fully accepted the reality of my son, and soon we decided to marry. Then things got really interesting. I was visiting with my son on alternate weekends, and often the three of us spent time together. My boy was about three years old, and he began to express his own sense of family. It became clear that he wanted all of us: his mother, my new fiancée, and me to live together with him and his brother. He drew pictures of his family with all of us present. I thought this was an attempt at developing security for himself. But I soon learned that, in part, he was acting out the subconscious desire of his mother. It was a rude awakening, and a real depiction of parenting gone awry.
When my fiancée and I were planning our wedding, we included plans for my son to participate in the ceremony as a ring-bearer. His mother then insisted that her older son play an active part in the wedding as well, and when I refused she did not allow my son to attend. I was very upset by this seemingly insane manipulation at the expense of these innocent boys. In reaction to her action, and myself still not emotionally mature, I withdrew from seeing my son for nearly a year. I shall always regret the loss of a precious year in my son’s life. When emotionally underdeveloped, unmarried young people cast themselves into the role of parents, the innocent children suffer most.
In my experience, there are but few positive events to come from the dissolution of one family and the formation of a new one, save the new relationships that result and the wonderful lives of the children who continue to grow and search for love, joy, freedom, and security. Often the best that parents can do is to be aware of their children, but God bless the parents who are able to “be there” for their children throughout that debacle.
In my role as a sponsor in a twelve-step recovery program, I am in relationships with two fathers who are currently in the throes of divorce. To hear the questions that should never be asked is truly heartbreaking. A two-year old girl wants to know, “Why is Mommy not here anymore?”
Similarly, an eleven-year old boy tells his father: “I wish you and Mom could work out your problems. I don’t like going back and forth.”
Parents should exhaust all avenues of psychiatry and counseling, religion, medicine, and ‘personal character building’ before compromising their commitments to their marriages and their children. A child can sense the lack of commitment parents have to each other, and this plays out in her own life. The selfishness and self-centeredness of parents is inversely proportional to a child’s happiness and positive sense of self. That is, the more selfish are the parents, the unhappier will be the children.
Family Dynamics in Flux
The Arrival of a New Baby
There is a profound experience awaiting all new parents who will see, hold, smell, and kiss their newborn baby for the first time. To lift the tiny body in one’s hands, to gently kiss the still-forming crown of her head, or to touch his itty-bitty toes… these are the moments in which we humans experience the full joy of our Creator.
My own children have come into the world in dramatic ways, and their births have been burned into my consciousness. With each new day, the tapestry of their lives unfolds from the single, fragile thread of birth.
When my son Jonathan was born in 1990, he was ten pounds, fourteen ounces. His maternal grandfather called him “Mongo.” Though I was not romantically involved with his mother by then, I was present at the birth and acted as a birthing coach for her. I was frightened, awestruck, and giddy with joy. My finest memories from that time are of bonding with my baby boy and his brother, and experiencing the happiness of being a daddy.
When Emily came along in 1996, she weighed a mere six pounds and was three weeks early. Her lungs were still developing, and she was covered with a fine blond hair called lanugos. My wife had experienced a traumatic pregnancy due to a rare condition called cholestasis of pregnancy in which her gall bladder shut down and backed up bile into her blood, creating a potentially dangerous environment for the developing child. As soon as the little lungs were well enough to process oxygen, the doctors induced labor (a forty-two hour ordeal). Ironically, the only known cure for cholestasis is delivery. Shortly following birth, and before really taking to breastfeeding, Emily’s weight dropped to five pounds eleven ounces. We fed her formula for a few days to keep her healthy, but soon she got the knack of breastfeeding and the rest is history.
Greta’s birth in 1999 was no less scary. She also came early due to cholestasis, and though she was a larger six pounds seven ounces, she spent her first night in neonatal intensive care because of difficulty with breathing on her own. Six months later, she was diagnosed as asthmatic and we began treating her with medication. Interestingly, since we have moved from the Bay Area to northern Oregon, Greta has had significantly fewer incidents of asthma. Greta never had a problem with breastfeeding, and we only recently weaned her from it.
Emotional Growth and Maturity of Parents
Couples who are planning a family, expecting a new arrival, or are already parents will benefit from reading some of the excellent literature on child development. Authors such as Frank and Theresa Caplan, Louise Bates Ames and Francis L. Ilg, and Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, have given parents a wealth of resources outlining the various ages and stages of childhood, from pregnancy to the teenage years. In Becoming Parents, Sandra Sohn Jaffe and Jack Viertel offer parents-to-be comfort and guidance as the big day approaches. After baby arrives, the various ages and stages are documented in the Your (insert number here)-Year-Old series by Ames and Ilg, of the Gesell Institute of Human Development. In Your Three-Year-Old (Friend or Enemy), Ames and Ilg discuss everything from the way a three-year-old draws a man (with one ear but a full head of hair, for example) to his sense of time and space (Daddy is at his office in Beaverton). These resources can help apprehensive parents understand why their child is acting a certain way, or what to expect when a particular age approaches.
Spirituality and the Development of a World View
Religion and Spirituality
The religion and/or spirituality of parents will shape the framework of children’s world view. A world with God as the all-powerful and loving Creator looks much different to a child than a world that originated out of nowhere, means nothing, and rushes on into nothingness. In a similar fashion, the belief or rejection by parents of a higher power can provide an emotional and spiritual anchor in a child’s psyche as he develops.
Faith and Reason
Logic is one of the building blocks of effective parenting. By it we teach children about decision-making, mathematics, language, geography, and even the consultation of their own consciences. But if there exists a consciousness of a totality of truth underlying all things, then even relatively mundane concepts take on a new dimension of reality. Some will consider this activity pointless, or worse. But for a parent who has struggled long and hard to develop a meaningful relationship with his Creator, there is no greater pleasure than to see children embrace spiritual concepts.
When parents show self-discipline by taking care of themselves, children notice. They will probe this concept by asking, “Do we have to go to church?” or “Why can’t I have more ice cream?”
These are excellent times to talk about spiritual principles, because the underlying concept in the disciplines of church attendance or eating healthy foods is the same if the motive is faith. That is, we are seeking to do the will of our Heavenly Father, as it has been revealed to us, and we trust Him to care for us. Children respond to the spiritual motive with awe and wonder, and a healthy respect for invisible God can translate into respect for Mom and Dad. In this way children learn that reason and faith are compatible. This concept will serve them well when they arrive in school and must think for themselves or be indoctrinated into a wholly secular world view.
Parents as Models of God
Parents represent the first idea of God that a child can subconsciously comprehend. Long before a concept of an all-powerful Creator enters young minds, Mom and Dad are there. In the formative years parents can stretch an emotional canvas for a God who provides unconditional love, direction, and discipline, or they can imprint such a horrible association with authority and a higher power that the child must overcome a very real psychological barrier in order to approach their Heavenly Father. When later the child begins to direct his own life, the model of God that parents provided will make a real difference. The transition from dependence on parents, to self-reliance, to dependence on God can be beautiful. Along the wayt, children often rebel against parents, just as adults rebel against God. The way parents respond to rebellious behavior will set a course for how the child perceives God. If a parent is punishing and demanding when a child rebels, so the child’s subconscious concept of God will follow. If the parent is reasonable and forgiving of rebellious behavior, then the child will feel freer to approach God for forgiveness of sins.
Our two-year old came into the kitchen the other day, singing and rattling off sound bytes from her experience. She suddenly stopped, and with all the authority she could muster, said “Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”
My wife and I looked at each other, did a double-take, and looked back at Greta. We had not taught her to say that. It had come from her Sunday school teacher. Now, of course, I ask her to say it every day. Here is a learned behavior from an outside source that a parent can really reinforce!
Conclusion
The joys and pain of parenting make for some of life’s greatest experiences. Likewise, sound parenting can make a world of difference in a child’s sense of self and the world around her. There are some people who should probably not have children. For those who choose to become parents, a dynamic and possibility-rich future awaits. Nobody will do the job perfectly, but if some basic principles are embraced and followed, the next generation will be better prepared to face the challenges of life.
The world has changed since today’s parents were kids. The family unit has been attacked and all but destroyed. Many of today’s parents are overcoming incredible challenges from their own childhoods. Alcoholism, mental illness, and various forms of child abuse and neglect have colored our society. Different philosophies of parenting will yield a variety of results. But the winds of change again are blowing across this great nation and the world, and the role of parents is now as important as ever. If our children are secure in the knowledge of who they are, who their parents are, and who God is, then we as parents have already accomplished something great.
WORKS CITED
Ames, Louise and Ilg, F. (1985). Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy. Delacorte Press.
These books (and my wife’s commitment to getting me to read them!) helped me to fully realize that children are people in their own right, and that the more I know about parenting, the more effective will be the time I have with my children.
Caplan, Frank and Theresa. (1977). The Second Twelve Months of Life. Grossett and Dunlap.
The idea that children are creative thinkers and that they will be better served by activities that encourage their own internal processes than by rewards and punishments is a great help to me while my children are young. This learning has been underscored by a series of “Love and Logic” classes at the local elementary school.
Greta and Emily enjoying Kelly dolls in 2002.
The Kimball family at church in 2003.
