Time Management

Wrote this in 2009. Posted it in 2014. By the Grace of God, and after losing my job in 2009, I have been granted willingness to not only show up for work a few minutes early, but to give up snacks, flour and sugar, and since December 2012, poyrn and maxtrubation. (Still struggling with wanting to make money, and wanting to play games.) Anyway, here is the 2009 me:

Tardiness is my lifelong companion. I am often late for work, late for appointments, and late for commitments to my family and friends. I hope this public confession will reach the attention of the Lord Jesus Christ. I know he is the only one who can relieve me of this problem. I am in therapy for a variety of issues with a Christian counselor who has a broad theology of personal fulfillment with which he is looking to reform my thinking. He has suggested that I show up at work at 7:15 a.m. from now on because I "owe them that much" after years of tardiness. I resent the idea that I owe anyone anything, and this is part of the reason I am up to my ears in debt and have a nagging feeling that I am entitled to rewards (food, games, stock watching sites, and until recently, internet p0rney0griafey) every few minutes, days, or weeks.

I am beginning to understand that this persistent personal problem of tardiness is related to low self worth, or to an inaccurate concept of the self as worthy of the positive experience associated with punctuality. A predictable pattern of behavior precedes and accompanies the tardiness; mainly inability to prioritize tasks and set limits on time. For example, I will chase a technical issue down a rabbit hole for an hour while the time passes which I had allotted for project planning or for leaving the office to travel to a local meeting off-site.

I heard a great quote many years ago, which said "I'm not much, but I'm all I think about." That's how I feel a lot. I think I am a mentally ill person who is so self-obsessed he can't make any sort of progress; the type of circular, autistic thinker Dustin Hoffman portrayed in "Rain Man" (although I have more compassion for that character than for myself, as someone who "should know better." )

My Christian faith has been a blessing to me; when I am able to separate from my selfish obsessions, faith opens my eyes to the world around me with a grand perspective. I can see God at work in the wind in the trees, in the rain and snow, in the eyes of my wife and children. This is where I often choose to live, in God's world, away from the darkness of my inner thoughts.

The therapy I am undergoing seems to be pointing me toward an integrated mind; one that allows the fresh reality of faith to override the default settings of insanity and self-destruction that are present in the rest of life. Paul called this the struggle between the Spirit and the flesh. The Spirit desires all that is right and true, gentle and pure, and the flesh, of course, is the sinful nature that develops as we grow up in a f*cked-up world. This struggle is so exhausting and time consuming to the individual that many opt out of it, and simply turn to the worship of things and money for the short-term pleasure they provide. That pleasure is called "happiness."

The Kingdom of God allows for a deeper pleasure, known in the Bible as "joy." This one comes when we submit to the will of God (often, to the benefit of our own emotional maturity or sanctification) and make choices that go against the flesh, against the sinful nature. Examples of this in my life include giving up alcohol and drugs in 1990, cigarettes in 1995, moving my family to Portland to join a church plant in a rough neighborhood but with a vibrant internal community in June of 2006, and in July 2006, confessing to my wife 13 years of unfaithfulness and lying about the images I was looking at online. The strength to make that confession came through the Spirit of Christ that I received when I gave my life to him, and the direction came through confidence I had by being involved in a weekly men's Bible study through that church.

I am in 12-step programs around drug and alcohol addiction, debt, and sexual impurity. These programs all seek to relieve the individual of emotional and mental unrest (insanity) around the particular behavior, and to provide relief through a shared group experience of abstinence and recovery from compulsive thinking and decisions. They further allow for emotional development to overcome the compulsions long-term by providing specific steps to take, usually called a "program." In many cases this means working these steps with a "sponsor," someone who takes the newcomer through the program and shows them the ropes. But this approach is often very specific to the particular type of addiction the program addresses. In fairness, many benefits arise from intensive practice of these programs. They often lead people with no previous faith or (as in my case) misdirected faith back into a conscious relationship with God. But it is in the church setting that I have found the true purpose and direction for my life and my faith; that is, the worship and service of the Lord Jesus Christ.

Cinco de Mayo 2014

Hi.

I am getting ready to shut down the PC and go home to barbecue steak and salmon (possibly in the rain.) Since I checked in, I have seen some wholesale miracles in the life of my family, and some heartbreaking trials.

Good news first. Lisa and I are going to church together every week. This is what I always wanted, and the answer to my prayers. We have joined a small group and we're getting along well with the brothers and sisters there. One hiccup so far in the small group: At our family Communion meeting, there was some postulating about how we are all sinners. With her awareness of the kids in the room, my wife had a strong reaction to the talk track.

I am working on having empathy for my wife's feelings, since by nature I am selfish, sarcastic, insensitive, and a boundary-buster. In Christ, I have the power to be gentle, loving, sensitive, caring, and respectful. Help me Jesus.

My son's grandma (former girlfriend's mother) passed away last week. I got the call from the mother, who told me my son is feeling like I put too much pressure on him to become a Christian, and now is practicing as an atheist. This is too much for me, Jesus. I need you to take over.

Time to go.

What do you call a sober member of AA, who hasn't had a drink in 24 years, is growing emotionally, and is staying employed and married one day at a time? Alcoholic.

If -- By Rudyard Kipling

If—
By Rudyard Kipling

If you can keep your head when all about you
Are losing theirs and blaming it on you,
If you can trust yourself when all men doubt you
But make allowance for their doubting too;
If you can wait and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied about; don’t deal in lies,
Or being hated don’t give way to hating,
And yet don’t look too good, nor talk too wise:

If you can dream – and not make dreams your master;
If you can think – and not make thoughts your aim:
If you can meet with Triumph and Disaster
And treat those two imposters just the same;
If you can bear to hear the truth you’ve spoken
Twisted by knaves to make a trap for fools,
Or watch the things you gave your life to, broken,
And stoop and build ’em up with worn-out tools:

If you can make one heap of all your winnings
And risk it on one turn of pitch-and-toss,
And lose, and start again at your beginnings
And never breathe a word about your loss;
If you can trust your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after they are gone,
And so hold on when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: ‘Hold on!’

If you can talk with crowds and keep your virtue,
Or walk with Kings – nor lose the common touch,
If neither foes nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the unforgiving minute
With sixty seconds’ worth of distance run,
Yours is the Earth and everything that’s in it
And – which is more – you’ll be a Man, my son!

Life as a Husband, Dad, Systems Analyst, and Responsible Adult.

It's December of 2013, and I feel content. Our company is selling software, and that means we are doing something right. I will have a busy couple of months coming up, traveling and implementing large-scale software projects.

my window on the world for 9 hours a day

I am getting along well with my wife and daughters. I feel a little distant from my son, but he knows I love him and am proud of him. 

Finances are tight right now. We bought a house in the summer and our expenses rose by about $600 per month. We have a little yard for the dog, and Christmas lights around the front porch. My wife has started going back to church, and I go with her sometimes. God has really blessed our family, mostly with spiritual blessings in Christ, and also with material blessings. I have a car that runs, by the grace of God, with 175,000 miles and some needed service. My wife has a good car too, and recently got the oil changed. We are truly blessed to have jobs, cars, a house, enough to eat, and clothes to wear.

A lot of my free time is spent in addiction recovery-related activities. We are doing a financial program to work toward getting out of debt and living more prosperously. By the grace of God, I have been sober from drugs and alcohol for 23 years. I am free from porn and sexual acting out for 11 months. Also, maintaining a 60-lb weight loss since Halloween of 2011. This is achieved by not eating flour and sugar, weighing and measuring my meals, and meetings, Bible study, prayer, and meditation. 

I have started doing an exercise plan called Power of 10. It involves any kind of resistance training, 10 seconds in and 10 seconds out. So a pushup is a full 10 seconds up, and a full 10 seconds down. I can do about 4.5 of these pushups until muscle failure. I do this about once a week, with a few other exercises. It helps me feel better about myself. I also take vitamins in the morning, and stretch to overcome stiffness from my multiple car wrecks since moving to Oregon.

I miss my friends, but I feel like we are getting ready to connect with more people, and I am excited about that.

That's all I have for now. It feels good to write, so I may be back sooner than later.

Here's one: What did the little dog say to the people walking by? Bow wow wow wow wow!

Why Christians are not perfect

This was deleted off of Helium.com (some Christian probably thought it was inappropriate), but I put it here so you can read it if you want to. This essay was written 9/1/2007 - John K

I am afraid of being asked to leave my church. I lie, sometimes I slander other people, and I'm selfish and fearful. All qualities that can lead to mistrust and misunderstanding in relationships. Whenever the pastor reads a scripture about the wolves among the sheep, the false prophets, or the idolaters or adulterers, I think he might be talking about me. The other day, our pastor talked to me about something I had said about him, and I admitted what I said and apologized, but I felt like that was a "strike" against me. The pastor forgave me, and I believe him, but the feeling sticks.

What Paul tells me is that (Romans 5:20) "The law was added so that the trespass might increase. But where sin increased, grace increased all the more, (21) so that, just as sin reigned in death, so also grace might reign through righteousness to bring eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord."

So without knowledge of my sin, I'm just another ignorant sinner. But when I become conscious of my shortcomings through my own guilty conscience, I give God an opportunity to save me and make me more righteous than I could ever muster on my own. This makes me humble, and so I go and apologize to the person I lied to, the one I slandered, the one I ignored or cheated out of time or affections.

But the answer is that Christians are just like everyone else. The difference is not in us, it is in Christ. He transforms us by something special that happens, something spiritual about believing in his death and resurrection. It's the kingdom of heaven, expressed in our own bodies, our own minds, and the way we become transparent with one another as we walk together with other believers in true community.

I am not perfect, by any means, but I have been made righteous by grace. Jesus has redeemed my drug and alcohol abuse, my sexual sin, and my financial failure. He is transforming me by the renewing of my mind through therapy and Bible study. And he is using me, both in those transparent moments with other Christians, and in the workaday world where everyone (including me) is watching and waiting for me to fuck up. So they can prove that Christians are not perfect.

I'm the first to admit it.

Skiing (Essay)

John Kimball
copyright 2013


Theory and Analysis of Lifetime Sports

Lifetime Development and Maintenance of Advanced Alpine Skiing Skills

A lifelong love of alpine skiing has developed in me an obsession with form and grace, extending into all areas of my life. From the first time I saw photos of Stein Eriksen’s easy turns, and read the words “reverse shoulder” and “stem Christy,” my mind has been captivated by the desire to put into action all the knowledge I gain from books and magazines on the subject. This essay will demonstrate the development and maintenance of lifetime skiing skills, and will relate this exercise to the reality of negotiating the often-terrorizing terrain of life on and off the slopes. For documentation I have included photographs of myself in various skiing situations, and at different times in my life.

Novice

“Try not to cross your tips.” The tow-rope tore through my little gloved fists and jerked me into motion. A wobbly start, then stubby skis settling tentatively into the track, and then a scary and speedy ride to the top of the short hill, and… wumpf. Down I went. The instructor helped me up, and pointed my tips back down the hill. That rope-tow scared the daylights out of me. It seemed to tear by at a hundred miles an hour. But after a few runs, my legs grew accustomed to the gentle slope and I was able to sidle up to the rope and grab it with one hand. I noticed the snowflakes floating gently through the afternoon sky, and tipped my head back to capture some cold bits on my tongue. It was fourth-grade heaven.

The common elements of ski instruction have evolved somewhat, though the concepts remain secure. Little kids are coaxed out onto the snow, and soon take to the slopes like fish to water. Tow ropes and, more recently, a carpeted conveyer belt for the tiny tykes, have become standard fare for the “ski-wee” set. Heading the other direction (downhill), the basic technique of “snowplow,” or applying pressure to the inside edges of both skis in a wedge fashion, is still the method of choice for controlling speed at this skill level. Soon these youngsters graduate to the “bunny hill,” where they first learn to ride a T-bar or chairlift. It is at this time in the beginning skier’s instruction that the elements of balance, self-esteem, confidence, humility and pride collide to form that elusive mix known as a “beginning skill set.” This magical bag of tricks includes the ability to avoid distractions, to maintain forward motion without falling down, to keep one’s wits about oneself, and above all, to stop.

Youngsters who develop the beginning skill set are likely to derive from the exercise a sense of accomplishment akin to the highest achievement known. This activity lands squarely in the middle of the academic year; consequently, non-skiing friends at school will turn green with envy when they learn that Marcia or Joey can ski. Furthermore, she or he is now a part of that group that talks with such wisdom of jumps, night skiing, and cute boys or girls in the lift line.

Adults who begin alpine skiing lessons for the first time may find a great deal of fear associated with the activity. To challenge a mountain is an awesome thing. Sudden whiteouts, frostbite, and hypothermia may crowd into the mind to distract the adult beginner’s attention. Rampant ego may dictate that the first run ever must be up the chairlift and down an intermediate slope.

When I was a beginner, my father took me out on the intermediate hill. He had bought for me a pair of skis with the old-style “bear-trap bindings.” These beastly contraptions fastened the boots securely to the skis. I was on my first run ever down the South Canyon side of the Daisy chair at Mount Hood Meadows in Oregon. It was dark, and snowing lightly. I felt cold. I had fallen a number of times, and my clothes were wet. I just wanted to get down the hill and have a cup of hot cocoa. I was frightened by the long expanses of open hillside, and by the fast skiers tearing by at breakneck speed and shouting to one another in the artificially lit night.

I lost sight of my dad, and I was going too fast. Suddenly a dark projectile shot out of the woods. I couldn’t stop, and the cannonball of death knocked me down, hard. I hit my head on the snow, and when I recovered I turned my vengeful eye at my attacker. “Sorry,” said the out-of-control adult beginner as he righted himself and took off into the unknown.

Much shaken, I briefly acknowledged the concerned shout of my father from farther up the hill. In misery, I righted myself and tentatively started down the hill again. At the cat-track, another skier sped toward me. I was shocked. Once again, I fuzzily reckoned I was going much too fast. I crossed my tips and fell, face-first in the snow. A sickening crack met my ears. I turned in horror to see my left foot, backwards from the rest of the leg, still firmly planted in the boot and attached to the dreaded ski. I began to sob, great gasps of anguish spilling out into the cold, clear night. Broken leg.

What had become a truly traumatic event began to shape up shortly thereafter. I had my first experience with the ski patrol, whose gentle and powerful agents deftly removed the skis and boots, placed me in a rescue sled, and splinted the fractured tibia right there on the mountain. When I arrived at the hospital in Hood River an hour later, there was nothing for the doctor to do but cast the leg. The ski patrol had set the fracture as expertly as any physician. Adding to the bright blessings of the post-traumatic experience, I was now a war hero. The following week in school, I accepted all offers of signatures and goofy drawings on the hip-height cast with the easy grace of a diplomat.

The fourth-grade experience with a broken leg translates into a fierce resolve in the rest of life. The ability to walk through fears is the most dramatic result. When a youngster recovers from the trauma of a terrifying accident, painful break and lengthy recovery, then few challenges in life can overshadow that drama. The child learns that fear and pain fall flat before the force of will.

Another great lesson from this type of experience is dependence. A healthy respect for the power of paramedics and doctors to invoke the healing process can lead the child to seek a caring and dependent relationship with God. I was awed by the ability of the Ski Patrol to “set” the fracture perfectly on the mountain, and I concluded that my desperate prayers in the snow had been answered with a resounding “Yes.”

Intermediate

Green circle. Blue square. Black diamond. Double black. To the uninformed, this might sound like an obscure card game. But to the developing skier, these symbols represent the ladder of success. As urgently as a neophyte Shotokan Karate student seeks his succession of colored belts, the student skier longs to pepper her experience with more and more difficult terrain.

As a junior high student, my favorite event was Wednesday night skiing at Cooper Spur Ski Resort, also on Mount Hood. Now a mildly major resort with even greater plans, Cooper Spur was at that time a small family ski area. A single T-bar lift led to a catwalk, from which a variety of slopes descended to the small day lodge. Local kids swooped in and out of the moguls on the steep and challenging Face, caught air off the log jump at the top of the steep “Showtime” or sought powder in the lonely, spotlighted runs at the end of the catwalk. Lift tickets sold for a buck, and all my friends were there.

The intermediate skier feels secure and confident on groomed trails. He has developed such skills as the stem Christy, or step turn. This all-purpose turn is the foundation of all race turns, and allows the skier to experience the obvious “weighting and unweighting” of each ski in a rhythmic fashion. To begin the turn, the skier points his skis down the fall line, that is, toward the bottom of the hill. To turn, he lifts one ski off the snow and steps out to that side. By placing all his weight on the inside edge of that ski, he begins to turn in the opposite direction. The other ski is brought into parallel, and the turn is completed with the help of both skis. To practice this turn, student racers will lift the inside ski completely off the snow and hold it there until it’s time to turn the other direction. The skier’s weight is then entirely on the outside, or “carving” ski.

The natural outgrowth of the development of beginning racing skills is the exercise of “running gates.” The slalom course begins to call, and the mischievous mind of the mid-level ski student can’t resist the discipline of forcing turns in precise places. This is particularly true after an invitational ski race, when rogue intermediates sneak onto the course to “wick some gates” and fancy themselves champions before the bamboo or fiberglass poles are taken down.

At this intermediate stage, the skier also becomes fascinated with “air time.” As a junior-high, fall-line-obsessed maniac, I loved to swoop into a little-known creekbed among the trees, near the bottom of the Palmer lift at Timberline Lodge. The creek formed a natural chute, in the days before man-made snowboard parks marred the alpine landscape forever. My friends and I loved to drop in and blast skyward on the opposite lip, only to flip 180 (more like 130) and successfully drop back in. Straight-ahead jumps over snow-covered boulders or tree stumps were intermediate gold. The desire to land a grand spread-eagle, “daffy” (aka scissor-kick), or “backscratcher” while airborne can produce some of the most spectacular wipeouts on the planet.

The life lessons gleaned from the intermediate skiing experience seem to parallel the emotional development of most people: Skiers who rarely hit the slopes will probably never develop beyond the intermediate stage. The concept of practice and perseverance will not apply to their skiing. Likewise, in life they may never progress beyond the reacting and scheming that comes naturally to those in the human condition. Chronic malcontents, they will continually be comparing themselves to the real performers in whatever profession they weakly embrace.

Advanced Intermediate

Ask any high-school skier worth his or her salt what their skill level is. The response will typically be (with a humble shrug), “intermediate to advanced.” This magical answer contains the seeds of a lifetime of skiing. The wizardry of the advanced intermediate, particularly if this stage is reached at a young age, smacks of a future on the slopes and on the winner’s block. Dreams of Olympic gold, World Cup victory, and heli-skiing in Warren Miller movies come to roost in the thoughts of the young athlete. She now takes great pleasure in planning a route through a treacherous mogul field, and executing most of it. Her times are shorter on the more-frequent Nastar races. Perhaps the high-school ski team gets this student as a new member.

But the finest test of the AI skill level is powder. Steep and deep, this fresh snow and cold-air experience takes on an irresistible charm to the eager skier. As a racer, I had learned over and over to lean forward in my boots, to feel the edges with my toes, and carve those turns. When I found powder, though, all that changed. This feathery substance required the development of a new level of skiing prowess. I learned to center my weight directly over level, flat, parallel skis, back ramrod straight and knees jumping up to 90 angles. The new skill even involved leaning back for control when necessary. The worst thing one can do in deep powder is to sink a tip, so the first few runs in the deep are lessons in “why we use a ‘leash’ when skiing in deep powder.” The loss of a ski that has skittered away under the undisturbed sea of white is a time-consuming event that threatens to dampen even the most jubilant spirits.

Floating through the forest, navigating between the trees on a hill that seemed much too steep to support such control, my tips crested the surface of the weightless down. I gasped with delight, the cold night air filling my chest with an overwhelming, beautiful shock. It was real! I had never had such an experience in powder. The ankle-deep snows of Mount Hood had somehow, miraculously, multiplied a hundred-fold in 24 hours of sub-zero manna from heaven. Waist-deep and ethereal, the powder exploded around me with every careful and exhausting jump-turn. At once I understood the name of Tahoe’s Heavenly Valley.

Advanced

Longer skis. Better boots. Steeper hills. Faster times. Now our skier has graduated to the upper echelons of the skiing world. Most skiers never attain the skills, knowledge, and gear that the advanced skier boasts. Most likely, he or she is a racer who has been actively running gates for four consecutive years or longer. There is still fear, but confidence and adrenaline will cause the advanced skier to enter terrain and drop off cliffs and cornices that the intermediate-level skier can only admire.

My own experience at this level was relatively short-lived. And although my skills may yet be described as “advanced,” I fear I will never again ski with the abandon this title suggests. I now have a family with young children, a concerned wife, and a half-million dollar life insurance policy, lest I forget my place. I am in my 30’s and beginning to feel the effects of jumping off roofs and cliffs. A sprained ankle from playing basketball; a strained shoulder from tossing my daughter in the air; and the double-black diamond high drop on Elevator Shaft starts to look like a sure trip to the hospital.

Ah, well. I shall retire to the blue squares and adrenaline-producing speeds of the Intermediate runs, and the single black diamonds of the occasional steep and fast showboat run. And I shall work on my reverse shoulder turns, knowing that fitness and grace are hand in hand. I will also continue to seek and destroy bumps, cornices, and steep powder-filled bowls, for as long as breath is in me.

Expert

Warren Miller's movies are filled with expert skiers. These are the rare birds that fly with easy grace from a helicopter, skis together, backs straight and knees bent, out into the open air and drop with arms outstretched into a waist-deep field of powder at the top of a forbidding mountain. They are shown outrunning avalanches, shooting off 60-foot cliffs, and landing every acrobatic jump with aplomb. Most of us grow old (read: 40-plus) before ever graduating to this elite level, but those who reach Expert have reached skiing nirvana. No hill is too steep, or rocky, or peppered with trees to deter the expert skier. They are admired from the chairlift as they amble effortlessly through a lethal mogul field or drop into a steep bowl from the high ridge, the one you have to hike to. Broken skis and broken limbs are of no consequence to the Expert.

In the Winter Olympics and the World Cup of racing, the greats of skiing are displayed for all the world to see. Jonny Mosely, the mogul king, has shown us that it is possible to negotiate a nightmarish field of apparently random bumps with easy grace and hard piston-like legs. The aerial artists who perform “jelly rolls” and inverted helicopters with a full twist are the daredevil elite of the skiing world. But on the slopes of every ski resort are another class of expert: The Ski Patrol.

Nothing is more beautiful to an above-average skier as a ski patrol officer in his or her yellow or red Gore-Tex™ jacket, making perfect turns while scouring the slopes for out-of-bounds intermediates. These heroes of the hills are often trained paramedics, with catlike reflexes and razor-sharp intuition. Providing comfort and safety to the masses, they flit about on the latest demo equipment while joking gently with the lift operators.

A harrowing experience raised its head while I was riding the Blue chairlift at night at Mount Hood Meadows in the early 1980’s. The weather had degenerated into a Northwestern phenomenon known as “freezing rain.” The wind had picked up, and the chairlift was beginning to sway erratically. Fear gripped my partner and me as I began to pray we would make it to the top of the lift safely. I promised myself this would be the last run. As we swung out over the second-highest area of the chairlift (about 60 feet off the ground; the highest span is about 100 feet up), the cables ground to a screeching halt on the lift towers. "Pop. Pop. Pop. Skreeeeeeek."

If one has never heard the sound of a lift cable stretching as it forcibly stops, one cannot know the peculiar panic of that moment. In sheer desperation, I prepared to kick off my skis and jump free, lest the cable snap above my head. From that height, I expected the skis to become razor-sharp rapiers if the lift chair were to fall straight to earth. In an alternate scenario, the cable could snap farther up the hill, or even on the return side, and we might be gently lowered to the ground.

I clung to the poles suspending our small perch as the chair swung to and fro in the icy wetness. There was a last shudder of activity from the lift tower, and then silence. For what seemed like an eternity, we swayed in the freezing breeze, waiting for the lift to start back up. They must be fixing the engine in the lift house, I surmised. Finally it became clear that we weren’t going to move. And then I heard voices from far below. There was the ski patrol, moving up the line, lowering stranded and frozen skiers to the hillside below by way of a little seat at the end of a rope. When they came to our chair, they swung a long line over the cable in front of us with a tiny metal anchor on a short pole at the end.

"Slide it under your butt and jump off the chair." The clear call of the red-jacketed ski patrol came up through the night.

"Yeah, right," I thought. But there seemed no other way down. I called back: "Do you want me to kick off my skis?"

"No, just keep them on. They will stabilize you on the way down."

In one of the most unnatural acts of my life, I scuttled onto the tiny seat and pushed myself off the chairlift. Suddenly I was dangling 60 feet up in space, clinging to a steel broomstick and swinging in the icy wind. My heart leaped into my throat as I frantically surveyed the scene. There, far below, were the heroic members of the Mt. Hood Ski Patrol. Wedged against the hill, two of them lowered me to the ground as a third looked on and talked me down.

Once on the snow, he asked me if I could ski down. I thought I could, and said so.

Safe again in the lodge, we were given hot cocoa and checked for frostbite and hypothermia. If it weren’t for the daring expertise and training of expert skiers, in love with the mountain and primed for service, that night on Mount Hood might have been much worse.

Conclusion

When a child first grabs the rope tow, someone really ought to tell the parents about the compulsion that will be embedded in his tender young mind. It may crowd out all else, becoming an obsession that threatens to overtake all other thoughts. So deeply in my psyche is the mountain and the snow, that when I lived in the Bay Area and took the occasional trip to Tahoe to try my skills at Alpine Meadows or Squaw Valley, it only fostered in me a desire to move closer to the mountains. Since I was unsuccessful at landing a job in Roseville, I began to pine for the Cascades, and in 2001 completed the cycle. My family and I now live in Saint Helens, Oregon. From Highway 30 en route to Portland I can see three mountains, including Mount Hood. Skiing is two and a half hours away, and I’m thinking about moving to the other side of town to be at a little higher elevation. Bring it on!

Documentation

For documentation, I have attached some pictures of myself skiing and wakeboarding (an off-season variant of skiing) at various times in recent history.

Parenting (Essay)

John Kimball
copyright 2013


Parenting


When I became a father for the first time in 1990, my view of the world and my place in it was forever altered. I was overwhelmed by the reality of a new, living person who was dependent on me and on the development of skills I had never known I possessed. My heart and mind opened up to a world of possibilities, emotions, and responsibilities about which I had not even dreamed. Nearly twelve years later and now a father of three, I am fully engulfed in the life of the parent. The lessons learned along the way will help me and haunt me for the rest of my days. Above all, I have learned that flexibility and love are the building blocks of effective parent-child and parent-parent relationships. This essay will discuss various parenting styles, traditional and non-traditional parenting roles, changes in family dynamics brought about by children, and issues in the development of a child’s world view.
For documentation I have included some photographs of my children.

Parenting Styles
Discipline: Authoritarianism and Permissiveness
“Stand up straight!” These are the words of the authoritarian parent.
The permissive parent says: “It’s all right, whatever you kids want to do is OK.”
If a ten-point scale is drawn from absolute permissiveness on the left to structured rigidity on the right, the measure of appropriate parenting can occupy an area from approximately four to seven points. Beyond this measure to the left lies the area of neglect in varying degrees, and to the right lies the area of abuse.
Neglectful 2 3 Permissive 5 6 Authoritarian 8 9 Abusive
---------------<------ -------="" discipline="" sane="">-------------

Parents who are emotionally crippled by excessive alcohol and drugs, fear, depression, selfishness, or anger will lose themselves in the outlying regions of self-centered insanity and will cause heartache, anguish, and untold damage to their children. But effective parents will find a way to govern their own behavior and temperaments, and so avoid these extremes.

In the Kimball home, a workable mix of permissiveness and authoritarianism has emerged as the best method for managing discipline. Our children are aware of certain simple rules, the breaking of which always results in swift and appropriate disciplinary action (usually a ‘time out’ or the loss of a privilege, but willful disobedience may escalate to a lovingly administered swat). In addition, my wife and I have agreed to always discuss concerns about discipline and to be very flexible in “choosing our battles” with a toddler, a kindergartner, and a pre-teen. Small squabbles and even shouting matches between children are often tolerated, under the belief that it is good to let the children work these things out among themselves. We believe our energy is best spent in setting an example for our children of self-discipline, responsibility, and love.

A child’s ability to think through a problem or situation and understand the consequences of her actions will serve her better as an adult than a system of rewards and punishments. This concept has largely replaced shouting and frightening children as ways to control discipline in our home. Subtle differences in words and inflection can shift the situation from a punitive one to a growth opportunity. A sympathetic “It’s too bad you didn’t get your toys picked up. That means you won’t be able to play at your friend’s house” is far more effective in the long term than “Pick up your toys now!” or even, “If you don’t pick up your room, you won’t get to play at your friend’s house!” Children who learn to accept consequences for their own actions will learn to think through situations before taking action, and will be less likely to evade responsibility or blame others later on.

Attachment Parenting
My wife was raised in an extremely permissive (read: alcoholic and neglectful) home, and I was brought up in a dangerously authoritarian (read: abusive and violent) home. She came into our marriage with some old ideas about love being related to gifts and shopping, and I arrived with some significant fears and survival instincts intact. Both of us are recovered alcoholics and drug addicts. By the grace of God, we met and fell in love after each of us had achieved substantial sobriety time, and the work we have done in alcoholic recovery has made us aware of our own selfishness, self-centeredness, dishonesty, and fear. We have embraced the idea that in order to pass along ideals that we were never taught, we must make these ideals our own and act accordingly. The principles we value most are honesty, hope, faith, courage, responsibility, love, willingness, open-mindedness, integrity, and spirituality, or God-consciousness.

As we searched for a parenting philosophy that would best uphold the principles we have willfully embraced, we discovered the concept of attachment parenting. This somewhat controversial parenting philosophy supports the ideas of extended breastfeeding (up to and beyond two years of age), the stay-at-home parent, and the family bed. These concepts seemed radical when taken as a package, but they appeared to offer the ultimate in emotional support, love, and affection for children. Since my wife and I have both come to believe that these are the highest needs of babies and young children, we embraced this philosophy and applied it with the two children that are ours together.

Attachment parenting asks the husband and wife to make some real sacrifices for the sake of the children. Extended breastfeeding is hard on a woman’s body. Having one parent who stays home with the children is difficult for the family financially. And the family bed sometimes offers little more than sleepless nights, the spread of childhood illnesses, and well-placed kicks. But the bond that is established between mother and children through breastfeeding, the stability of the home with a stay-at-home parent, and the total safety and security of the family bed are parenting treasures not to be missed.

My son was born before I met my wife. He also has been raised in a loving, affectionate, and supportive environment. However, he has been raised largely without a father figure present. His social challenges are outside the reach of this essay, but his life is a testament to the power of prayer.

Another element that we have incorporated into our family life is the idea that children will benefit from seeing their parents behaving like two people in love. There have been some lapses in our commitment to this concept, but whenever my wife and I are willing and able, we embrace and show caring and love for each other in the presence of our children. Family mealtimes and family prayer reinforce the concept that there is structure and purpose to our family’s activities.

The benefits of attachment parenting have been enormous. Our children are secure in the knowledge that they are loved, and they are showing the independence, joy, and freedom of expression that arises from that security. One note: The benefits of reading to one’s children cannot be underestimated. A child’s love of reading and books will have an enormous impact on his life. It is evidence of parents’ early commitment to an active role in one very important piece of the parenting puzzle.

Parenting Roles
Traditional Family Values in United States Culture
Recent years have yielded a return to patriotism, boosted the esteem of the nuclear family in our society’s eyes, and embraced the love of family that has so long been a part of American culture. It appears that the development of the family has tracked the development of women in America. From the sexual revolution in the 1960’s to the liberation and individualism of the 1970’s to the narcissism and materialism of the 1980’s, America’s young women appear to have returned since 1990 to a more traditional role as spouses and homemakers. As evidenced by the return of big-band swing and nostalgic restaurants, America longs for the idealism of the 1940’s and 1950’s again. Likewise, the American dream appears to have swung back from the do-your-own-thing-claw-your-way-to-the-top ideal toward the mom-dad-2.3 kids-dog-white picket fence-nuclear family ideal. This is interesting because most of the women starting families today weren’t alive in the 1950’s. But their mothers were, and as the Baby Boom generation contributes more and more to popular culture, its influence on the young women of today is profound. The rise in the female membership of our churches is evidence of women willing to embrace and sacrifice for larger families with traditional love-God-your-country-and-your-neighbor ideals.

Fathers, also, are embracing the role of the provider for a bustling brood and a wife who often sacrifices time and career to stay home with the kids. The election of George W. Bush to America’s highest office speaks of a return to more conservative values in our society. It is the desire of many young men to serve their country in the ongoing fight against terrorism, and the rise in patriotism lends support to the traditional family. Popular country music also reflects a trend toward traditional family formations and values; songs such as I’m Already There by Lonestar heartily support the idea of a father who is one hundred percent devoted to his family. To be sure, myriad views are represented in contemporary entertainment. But the popularity of patriotic and family-oriented themes cannot be denied.

Divorce, Blended Families, and the Effects on Parents and Children
The separation of the two main figures in a child’s life can have a devastating and lasting effect on the child. Sometimes, parents are so affected by the breakup of a marriage that their relationship to their children disintegrates. When this happens, the children are likely to suffer intense feelings of abandonment. If the children are left with one parent, they may subconsciously expect that parent to fulfill the roles of both parents. If there is a shared custody arrangement, and both parents are amicable toward one another, the deleterious affects on the children can be lessened. Fierce resentment between the parents only serves to intensify the child’s feeling of abandonment and disorientation. The stabilizing influence of one strong parent can be a saving grace in such a situation.

When a new spouse is integrated into a hitherto single parent family, there may be a significant upset because of the change in primary relationships. Where the child may have been the primary relationship of the parent, that role begins to be played by the new spouse. The child will need special attention to feel that she is still important to the original parent.

In my family, these dynamics played out in a dramatic way. As a single father I had joint custody of my son and I enjoyed taking him and his half brother for weekends. When I began dating my wife-to-be, there was some tension between her and the older boy, and even between her and my son. Shortly thereafter, I (painfully but believing it was right) stopped taking the older boy on the weekends. My son’s mother did not appreciate that there was a new woman on the scene, since by taking both boys on the weekends I allowed her some free time. There was another, deeper dynamic in play of which I was not aware, but soon enough it raised its head.

In 1992, my new girlfriend was learning to accept that I had a young son. This was not easy for a single girl with no children, because it represented the reality of another woman and another high-impact (primary!) pre-existing relationship between my son and me. Eventually she fully accepted the reality of my son, and soon we decided to marry. Then things got really interesting. I was visiting with my son on alternate weekends, and often the three of us spent time together. My boy was about three years old, and he began to express his own sense of family. It became clear that he wanted all of us: his mother, my new fiancée, and me to live together with him and his brother. He drew pictures of his family with all of us present. I thought this was an attempt at developing security for himself. But I soon learned that, in part, he was acting out the subconscious desire of his mother. It was a rude awakening, and a real depiction of parenting gone awry.

When my fiancée and I were planning our wedding, we included plans for my son to participate in the ceremony as a ring-bearer. His mother then insisted that her older son play an active part in the wedding as well, and when I refused she did not allow my son to attend. I was very upset by this seemingly insane manipulation at the expense of these innocent boys. In reaction to her action, and myself still not emotionally mature, I withdrew from seeing my son for nearly a year. I shall always regret the loss of a precious year in my son’s life. When emotionally underdeveloped, unmarried young people cast themselves into the role of parents, the innocent children suffer most.

In my experience, there are but few positive events to come from the dissolution of one family and the formation of a new one, save the new relationships that result and the wonderful lives of the children who continue to grow and search for love, joy, freedom, and security. Often the best that parents can do is to be aware of their children, but God bless the parents who are able to “be there” for their children throughout that debacle.

In my role as a sponsor in a twelve-step recovery program, I am in relationships with two fathers who are currently in the throes of divorce. To hear the questions that should never be asked is truly heartbreaking. A two-year old girl wants to know, “Why is Mommy not here anymore?”

Similarly, an eleven-year old boy tells his father: “I wish you and Mom could work out your problems. I don’t like going back and forth.”

Parents should exhaust all avenues of psychiatry and counseling, religion, medicine, and ‘personal character building’ before compromising their commitments to their marriages and their children. A child can sense the lack of commitment parents have to each other, and this plays out in her own life. The selfishness and self-centeredness of parents is inversely proportional to a child’s happiness and positive sense of self. That is, the more selfish are the parents, the unhappier will be the children.

Family Dynamics in Flux
The Arrival of a New Baby
There is a profound experience awaiting all new parents who will see, hold, smell, and kiss their newborn baby for the first time. To lift the tiny body in one’s hands, to gently kiss the still-forming crown of her head, or to touch his itty-bitty toes… these are the moments in which we humans experience the full joy of our Creator.

My own children have come into the world in dramatic ways, and their births have been burned into my consciousness. With each new day, the tapestry of their lives unfolds from the single, fragile thread of birth.

When my son Jonathan was born in 1990, he was ten pounds, fourteen ounces. His maternal grandfather called him “Mongo.” Though I was not romantically involved with his mother by then, I was present at the birth and acted as a birthing coach for her. I was frightened, awestruck, and giddy with joy. My finest memories from that time are of bonding with my baby boy and his brother, and experiencing the happiness of being a daddy.

When Emily came along in 1996, she weighed a mere six pounds and was three weeks early. Her lungs were still developing, and she was covered with a fine blond hair called lanugos. My wife had experienced a traumatic pregnancy due to a rare condition called cholestasis of pregnancy in which her gall bladder shut down and backed up bile into her blood, creating a potentially dangerous environment for the developing child. As soon as the little lungs were well enough to process oxygen, the doctors induced labor (a forty-two hour ordeal). Ironically, the only known cure for cholestasis is delivery. Shortly following birth, and before really taking to breastfeeding, Emily’s weight dropped to five pounds eleven ounces. We fed her formula for a few days to keep her healthy, but soon she got the knack of breastfeeding and the rest is history.

Greta’s birth in 1999 was no less scary. She also came early due to cholestasis, and though she was a larger six pounds seven ounces, she spent her first night in neonatal intensive care because of difficulty with breathing on her own. Six months later, she was diagnosed as asthmatic and we began treating her with medication. Interestingly, since we have moved from the Bay Area to northern Oregon, Greta has had significantly fewer incidents of asthma. Greta never had a problem with breastfeeding, and we only recently weaned her from it.

Emotional Growth and Maturity of Parents
Couples who are planning a family, expecting a new arrival, or are already parents will benefit from reading some of the excellent literature on child development. Authors such as Frank and Theresa Caplan, Louise Bates Ames and Francis L. Ilg, and Adele Faber and Elaine Mazlish, have given parents a wealth of resources outlining the various ages and stages of childhood, from pregnancy to the teenage years. In Becoming Parents, Sandra Sohn Jaffe and Jack Viertel offer parents-to-be comfort and guidance as the big day approaches. After baby arrives, the various ages and stages are documented in the Your (insert number here)-Year-Old series by Ames and Ilg, of the Gesell Institute of Human Development. In Your Three-Year-Old (Friend or Enemy), Ames and Ilg discuss everything from the way a three-year-old draws a man (with one ear but a full head of hair, for example) to his sense of time and space (Daddy is at his office in Beaverton). These resources can help apprehensive parents understand why their child is acting a certain way, or what to expect when a particular age approaches.

Spirituality and the Development of a World View
Religion and Spirituality
The religion and/or spirituality of parents will shape the framework of children’s world view. A world with God as the all-powerful and loving Creator looks much different to a child than a world that originated out of nowhere, means nothing, and rushes on into nothingness. In a similar fashion, the belief or rejection by parents of a higher power can provide an emotional and spiritual anchor in a child’s psyche as he develops.

Faith and Reason
Logic is one of the building blocks of effective parenting. By it we teach children about decision-making, mathematics, language, geography, and even the consultation of their own consciences. But if there exists a consciousness of a totality of truth underlying all things, then even relatively mundane concepts take on a new dimension of reality. Some will consider this activity pointless, or worse. But for a parent who has struggled long and hard to develop a meaningful relationship with his Creator, there is no greater pleasure than to see children embrace spiritual concepts.
When parents show self-discipline by taking care of themselves, children notice. They will probe this concept by asking, “Do we have to go to church?” or “Why can’t I have more ice cream?”
These are excellent times to talk about spiritual principles, because the underlying concept in the disciplines of church attendance or eating healthy foods is the same if the motive is faith. That is, we are seeking to do the will of our Heavenly Father, as it has been revealed to us, and we trust Him to care for us. Children respond to the spiritual motive with awe and wonder, and a healthy respect for invisible God can translate into respect for Mom and Dad. In this way children learn that reason and faith are compatible. This concept will serve them well when they arrive in school and must think for themselves or be indoctrinated into a wholly secular world view.

Parents as Models of God
Parents represent the first idea of God that a child can subconsciously comprehend. Long before a concept of an all-powerful Creator enters young minds, Mom and Dad are there. In the formative years parents can stretch an emotional canvas for a God who provides unconditional love, direction, and discipline, or they can imprint such a horrible association with authority and a higher power that the child must overcome a very real psychological barrier in order to approach their Heavenly Father. When later the child begins to direct his own life, the model of God that parents provided will make a real difference. The transition from dependence on parents, to self-reliance, to dependence on God can be beautiful. Along the wayt, children often rebel against parents, just as adults rebel against God. The way parents respond to rebellious behavior will set a course for how the child perceives God. If a parent is punishing and demanding when a child rebels, so the child’s subconscious concept of God will follow. If the parent is reasonable and forgiving of rebellious behavior, then the child will feel freer to approach God for forgiveness of sins.

Our two-year old came into the kitchen the other day, singing and rattling off sound bytes from her experience. She suddenly stopped, and with all the authority she could muster, said “Obey your parents in the Lord, for this is right.”

My wife and I looked at each other, did a double-take, and looked back at Greta. We had not taught her to say that. It had come from her Sunday school teacher. Now, of course, I ask her to say it every day. Here is a learned behavior from an outside source that a parent can really reinforce!

Conclusion
The joys and pain of parenting make for some of life’s greatest experiences. Likewise, sound parenting can make a world of difference in a child’s sense of self and the world around her. There are some people who should probably not have children. For those who choose to become parents, a dynamic and possibility-rich future awaits. Nobody will do the job perfectly, but if some basic principles are embraced and followed, the next generation will be better prepared to face the challenges of life.

The world has changed since today’s parents were kids. The family unit has been attacked and all but destroyed. Many of today’s parents are overcoming incredible challenges from their own childhoods. Alcoholism, mental illness, and various forms of child abuse and neglect have colored our society. Different philosophies of parenting will yield a variety of results. But the winds of change again are blowing across this great nation and the world, and the role of parents is now as important as ever. If our children are secure in the knowledge of who they are, who their parents are, and who God is, then we as parents have already accomplished something great.

WORKS CITED
Ames, Louise and Ilg, F. (1985). Your Three-Year-Old: Friend or Enemy. Delacorte Press.
These books (and my wife’s commitment to getting me to read them!) helped me to fully realize that children are people in their own right, and that the more I know about parenting, the more effective will be the time I have with my children.

Caplan, Frank and Theresa. (1977). The Second Twelve Months of Life. Grossett and Dunlap.
The idea that children are creative thinkers and that they will be better served by activities that encourage their own internal processes than by rewards and punishments is a great help to me while my children are young. This learning has been underscored by a series of “Love and Logic” classes at the local elementary school.






Greta and Emily enjoying Kelly dolls in 2002.

The Kimball family at church in 2003.